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As women of color, we’ve had to single-handedly redefine what it means to be beautiful.When you’re gay and not white in LA, it’s hard to not get overwhelmed by the Eurocentric standards of beauty that flood the dancefloor of all the queer spaces you enter.It’s hard not to look for validation from the women you’ve been conditioned to find beautiful, the women that don’t look like you.It becomes easy to ignore the little moments that should really make you side eye.That being said, there is a minor discrepancy in the language used by seasoned fetishizers.If she talks about how you and her mom would get on along really well because you both love Sigourney Weaver in Alien, first of all, her mom might also be gay.To be fair, this is a problem that lesbians have had and continue to have for eons, the U-HAUL joke is not at all a joke, it’s a historical truth.I know way too many lesbians who started raising their girlfriend’s child two months into a relationship and too many lesbians who moved across the country to be with a three-month girlfriend to pretend that we don’t all get a little too attached a lot too quickly.

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However, if she says that you and her friend Rachel would get along because Rachel dug wells in Africa, or she says things like “My parents would love you, they’re super liberal,” you might very well be in a Get Out type situation and I suggest you keep your keys on you at all times. A white woman that my friend was going out with once asked me if I thought she could “rock box braids” upon meeting me for the first time.

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